my personality

i dont like to see all the pains and harsh realities in the world.i like to think there isnt good people and bad people. i like to think everyone is good and bad, ying and yang.i have extremes in emotions. when im happy, im too happy and when im sad, im too sad.Im very good at understanding people and almost always know whats behind a person's motivations.a lot of people take my kindness for weakness, but im not the puchover some people might think. i have a very strong character and will defend what i believe in. i work hard for things i believe in like my education, for instance.I can also be very lazy, but only when it comes to things that I dont care about.

I have extreme compassion for people and will grieve with people in tough times.
I trust my gut feelings all the time because there always right. My downfall is most likely my sensitivity and inability to reject another person. I dont like rejection and try to treat others the way I want to be treated so I will rarely say no to a person because i dont want to hurt their feelings. I always help my friends with their problems and like to do so because making others feel good makes me feel good. thats the main reason i love Christmas so much. buying people gifts and seeing them like what i got them makes me feel good.

i have the habit of picking the worst boyfriends and friends. guys who cheat a lot and are low-lifes and friends that are gossipers and two-faced.if i could just be with a guy who is loyal and committed and trust worthy than all will be peaceful in my world. but i honestly achieve the most when im single and dont hang out with my friends. and when i do hang out with friends theirs a lot of clubbing and drinking and fun times ill never remember lmao.

Best drunk dude ever attempts to buy more beer. Fails hard.

Steel Curtain :o)

so i decided to become a Steelers fan back in 2003 when they went 5-11 that season. i picked them because they were a east coast team and i'm from New England and i hate the Patriots, i also didn't want to pick a new york team because they didn't appeal to me. i was going to pick the Eagles but my ex was an eagles fan and i wanted to be a rival since the eagles were my ex boyfriends team (2 penn. state teams) SOOOOO i picked the Steelers!

the steelers coach right now is mike tomlin, hes one of those grid iron, blue collar coaches. he's mean gritty and pushes the best out of you. in 2005 it was bill cowher, he was a very smart coach and mike was his defensive coach, and kent whisenhunt was his offensive coach. in 2006 bill cowher was retiring and art ronney didnt know who to pick next but the 2 guys who were up next was mike and kent and the only reason mike got the job was cuz the steelers are pretty much a defensive team. in the 1970s they were known strictly as a defensive team, they were mean, big and scary...like hocky players lol.

my favorite players as of now are troy polamalu, because he pretty much started playing about the time i became there fan. he is an awesome safety. drafted in 2003 1st round 16th pick out of usc trojens. i also really like roethlisberger, drafter 1st round i believe 11th pick out of the U in 2004 nfl draft. and hines ward is my other favorite player. hes a wide receiver. i usually hate the wide receivers cuz they act like divas but hes a great blocker, and he makes those big plays. he contributes a lot to the steelers success, hes also been with the steelers the longest. drafted in 1998 in the 3rd round 93rd pick. no one thought he was ganna be that good but he proved everyone wrong. i dont have an all-time favorite player yet but it would probably have to be one of these players.

im sorry (song)...not finished yet

im sorry if im not beautiful enough for you.
im sorry if im not nice enough to you,
and every night i praywhen u arent here with me
ur where u say
im sorry im not good enough for you

its close to 5
wet n rainy outside
im still home alone
ur not answerin' ur phone
night turns to day
love turns to hate
i know ur on ur way
whats ur excuse today?

pain...the gift that nobody wants

i read a book recently called You Matter More Than You Think by Leslie Parrott. and she made a good point. she says that pain, is a gift. because when you go through a painful experience like for example losing a loved one, u feel the pain of loosing them, but if someone comes to you with the same grief than u can empathize with them, and that is the gift. if u have never lost anyone in ur entire life, than how would you be able to empathize?

i had something very tragic happen to me. i lost a loved one from aids. i felt a horrible pain. i didnt understand why him, and even worse i had no one to talk to about it. than one day i joined a group on-line to see if anyone in my area had the same problem as me, sadly no one did. so i lived my days empty, sad, alone. than one day i check my email and i got about 15 people emailing me with the same situation. they wanted me to empathize with them. they were a mess. so i heard what they had to say, and i did empathize with the. i feel like it was a gift that even if no one in my area was there 4 me i could be there for others. and them b there 4 me as well, even if only through email n phone.

looks arent everything

i dated some SEXY guys, but i notised something about them. there good looking but they have this attitude like they can get with any chick they want. thats sooo unattractive to me because im a type of girlwho sticks with 1guy and idont cheat but most hot guys always cheat. im very attractive and i had some sexy boyfriends but they cheated on me with other girls and i realized id rather have a desent looking guy who is an awsome person inside, who is trust worthy, faithful, compassionate, romanitic, spends time with me, goal orriented and wont try to stare at other females when we go out. a lot of girls are like that too. i just can stand it. i understand being young u wanna fool around but im not interested in fooling around. i like commitments, and i hate being lied to by guys just so they can get a piece of a*s. i know im supposed to wait till marrage first b4 having sex.....but i enjoy having sex but not with just any1 and idc how sexy they are, i rather have sex with a guy who loves me than with a guy who is hott. i just wish more ppl could relate to me. insead of guys saying they do and they dont. ughhhh its frusterating

i hate it when people take all the credit

i hate it when i bust my ass working than someone else takes the credit. that pisses me off. like at work, ill b busting my ass cleaning the store b4 it closes, while the other 2 ppl i was closing with, left to get some food, so i was alone working, washing dishes, sweep, washing the floor, putting everything away, everything. they come back when we're ready to punch out the next day the manager comes in and says wow, the superviser did a great job closing up. SHE DIDNT DO ANYTHING!!!!!

when i was attacked by a dog :o(

it was a hot summer day in hartford ct. i was 13 years old. my best fiend who also lived on my street decided he wanted to take his step-fathers dogs for a walk since they were always locked up in a crate all day. his step father had just got himself a new red nose pitt and they named it cujo because it was mean. the other dog which they had for a while was also a red nose pitt and his name was rocko. so i was walking rocko and my friend jean was walking cujo. after a few blocks we decided to switch dogs. well we kept walking and then we got back to our street. when i saw we were by my house i decided to run with cujo, well i dont know what cujo was thinking but that he turned at bit a chunk of my thigh. since i was wearing shorts he literally had a good chunk of my thigh in his mouth. than he started moving his head side to side really fast. i than punched him in the nose fearful that he would bite off the flesh from my leg. than he bit my arm and again moved his head side to side (the whole time not even growling or showing his teeth) so i punched him on the side of the head but he still wouldn't let go so i punched him in the nose again and he let go. than he bite my knee and i remember in slow motion i looked to the side and saw my friend just standing there in shock not doing anything and just standing there watching. so i screamed "come get this fuckin dog!!!!!!!!" so he ran over and grabbed the leash and pulled him off of me. i had blood all over me and there was blood all over the dog. i started crying because i thought i had chunks of flesh missing and i was ganna bleed to death. so i ran upstairs into my house and my mom was in the kitchen cooking and she turned around and screamed. she yelled "what happen?" i said through my sobs "i was attacked by a dog" she grabbed her keys, turned off the stove, and we got into her car. the whole time i was crying hysterically. she pulls out of the driveway and speeds toward the hospital which is only like 5 blocks from my house. i dont really remember what happen after that because it was a long time ago and not really memorable but i remember i was laying on the hosp. bed and a lady from social services was there and the doctor was there. he said i needed 12 stitches, 2 for each  puncture wound. i was crying and crying and it didnt hurt getting the stitches but i was just in shock from seeing all the blood. after we got home i just laid down on the couch and fell asleep. the next day my mom ordered pizza (my fav.) and we were in my front porch. my friend and his stepfather came over to see how i was. his stepfather's mouth dropped when he saw my arms and legs. he said he was sorry and he told him not to take the dogs out the create. he asked if we were ganna sue him and my mom said we should. he apologized and they left. the next day my friend came by my house again and said his step father doesnt have the dog anymore because he gave it to his friend and his friend has 3 kids. i was so pissed when he told me that. its like this dog attacked me and now your ganna give it to someone with kids??? wtf is wrong with you????

well i still have the scares on my arms and legs and when i wear short sleeve shirts everyone asks me why o have those scares on my forearms and i have to tell them this story over and over again :o(

do all guys cheat???

so like i only had about like between 8-10 relationships my whole life between the age of 14 to now (im 22) and most of them cheated on me. i only was in 2 relationships where i wasnt cheated on. so about 2 out of 10 guys dont cheat in my opinion. but that i find out that both of them were talkin to other girls before they broke up with me or i broke up with them so they had someone already lined up after the brake up. ummm what the hell. im looking for someone i will be able to marry one day and have a family with so where are all the guys that are looking for the same thing? are there even any out there anymore?

cant get rid of my stuffed animals

for some reason i just cant get rid of them. i mean, i dont have every single one of my stuffed animals from when i was little, but i kept the ones that ment the most to me. like i have a lil stuffed unicorn my mom bought me when i was 2 . i was sick and in the hospital an she bought it for me to make me feel better. i still have him. and a big white bear named "uh-duh-duh" lol stupid name but when i was very very young my uncle bought it for me and asked me what im ganna name it and i was speaking baby talk and i said "uh-duh-duh" but what i ment to say was i dont know lol. i just cant get rid of them. every time i was going to i just felt so guilty. so i guess ill have them 4ever.

mean customers

i hate it when im at work and a customer will come to my register and have a b*tch fit about something that i cant do anything about.

i used to work at babies r us and OMG the worse customers i have ever experianced went to that store. and i cant even use the excuse that my customers are pregnant woman with hormone problems, because it wasnt always the pregnant women that were the evil ones. it was the old women!!!!!  for instints, i had a customer that came to my register. she wanted to return a baby stroller. so i told the woman in a very friendly and polite way that i am unable to return her her money because i cant do returns, i am a cashier, she must go to the return desk. and she blew up at me. she said the line was too long and she didnt want to wait. i leaned over and looked at the line beind her and notised i was the only person on register and there were already 4 people in line behind her waiting to be rung up. so i told her that if there was nobody in line i would have walked over to the returns desk and done it for her but not only would that have gottin me in trouble (because i was unformiliar with the return proceedures) but also because i am the only person on register and i CAN NOT leave my register unattended unless i can find some1 to cover 4 me and at this time there was no one. so i politly told the lady again that there is nothing i can do and she must either wait in the returns line or come back another day. she had a whole fit. and i will quote what she said "u should do it, im not waiting in that line, i have a doctors appointment in 20 minutes. if u dont, i will speak to ur manager and make sure u get fired. ur so lazzy." when she said that i just wanted to cuss that old lady out but i had to keep myself together. so i paged a supervisor for assistance. the suporvizor came and spoke with the lady, and she ended up telling the lady they same exact thing i told her, that there is nothing i can do, and she must wait in that line, but seeing that my suporiser hates to see customers unpleased, she did the return for her quickly on a free register at the returns desk. the whole time he was doing the return for the old lady, she was bitching about how horrible i was, how rude and mean i was to her. how i should be fire. to be honest.....why do customers like this have to come and make my job so much more difficult?? remember people, cashiers only make minimum wage, give them a brake, they dont make enough money to deal with the ignorance OK take a chill pill. i felt like askin that lady where she worked so i can go to her job n bitch her out n try to get her fired! OMG so frusterating!!!!!

i practice kabbalah

i was brought up as a catholic. baptized, had my first communion, went to church every Sunday, attempted to do my confirmation, but i had questions about my religion that not even a priest could answer, like if god made the earth why didnt he mention dinosaurs?? so were Adam and eve made b4 the dinosaurs??? it confused me and they had no answer. i didnt want to believe in a religion that made no sence to me. and also i felt like maybe the government messed with the bible. but these are just my opinions. im not saying the bible is fake, im not saying that at all. but im just confused on whether it was messed with. i have questions and doubts. but i still believe in god. so than i learned about kabbalah. i learned that kabbalah isnt a religion, but a way to understand ur purpose. it made more sence to me. i also learned u could be catholic, or Buddhist, or any religion and still practice kabbalah. im still learning more about it but i find it very interesting. it helped me see the world differently. i enjoy learning about it, and meditating, and becoming closer with god.

the worst date ive ever been on

well when i was 17 i went to the mall one day with my brother Joe and his friend Ryan. well this kid my age comes up to me and starts asking me if i wanted something to eat at the food court and was basically spitting game to me. well i thought he was cute. he was Dominican and white, tall and had the cutest face. so i let him buy me some of those ice cream dots and he gave me his number and we went our separate ways.

a week went buy and i was still thinking about him so i decided to give him a call even though my brother had a bad feeling about him. he picks up and we started talking about what we thought about each other went we met at the mall last week. he than asked me out on a date so i said ok. we decided to go to this Italian bakery at the corner of my street (its a bakery but also a cafe). i ordered a coffee and a slice of chocolate mousse cake. he ordered a giant chocolate cannoli and a chocolate milk shake. while eating i ask him how old he is which he replied he was 17 just like me. i asked him where he lives and he says basically the other side of town. than he starts to tell me that he was adopted and spent his whole life in foster care going home from home. now, i have a few friends who grew up in foster care and i didnt think much of it.

after our little dessert he decides to pay so we stood up and through away our garbage and went to return our plates even though we really didnt have to and i see him whip out a credit card. in my head im thinking why does he have a credit card? he swipes it and gets his recite and we leave. i asked him how did he get a credit card and he says its his foster moms and she let him borrow it. in my head im like yea right.

while we were walking back to my house i told him that tomorrow was my brothers 14th birthday. hes like oh than we should get him something so we go inside a supper market i live like 1 block away from and he buys a large cake and a huge teddy bear for me and some toy handcuffs and all kinds of stuff. he than pulls out his credit card and im thinking wow he's ganna mess up his moms credit, but i didnt say anything cuz hes buying all this stuff for me n my brother so i let him.

when we got back to my house i emptied all the bags and yelled SURPRISE JO HAPPY EARLY BDAY!!! my brother was so happy. without my realizing he bought my brother a cellphone and min. cards along with the cake and my huge teddy bear and the toy handcuffs. so we start eating cake and joking around and my brother asked whose toy hand cuffs are those and he said well there mines. than he looks at me with a smile and im thinking oh ok so he bought all this stuff now he wants to handcuff me somewhere yea right! so i say ok so i think u should go now im tired. he says ok ill call my mom so he calls her and she picks him up infront of the house and all of a sudden hes like hey im goin back to the mall tomorrow so you should come with me and when he said that im like hell yea he gots a credit card.

the next day his mom picks me up and drops us off at the mall. we're walking around and he was telling me how he wants to spoil me and buy me a ring and blahblahblah so im like im kinda hungry let go to the food court. when we got there it was packed! so im making my way to the pizza stand and all of a sudden i turn back and a pregnant lady is screaming in Spanish at my friend. so than i was like what did she say and hes like nothin lets go. while we were sitting eating our pizza 2 mall cops come up to us and says excuse me sur but a pregnant lady came to us and said you grabbed her butt. my mouth dropped. he was denieing it but we both got kicked out and he called his mom on a pay phone to pick him up. well his mom came after having spoke to the mall cops and she was raging mad. than we got in the car and she starts saying how she had a bad day with her card being stolen and now having to pick her foster son up from the mall for grabbing a pregnant lady's ass than she says the bill came in the mail and she's in debt now and shes canceled her card like 10 mins b4 she picked us up.

after she dropped me off at home i said sorry and bye. i was so embarrassed about what happen and  even thou he called me like 100 times after our date i never picked up the phone. well 3 years later i was at the same mall with my little cousin buying clothes and this bummy looking guy with dirty ripped clothes comes up to me and says hi jess remember me? he smelled like onions. i was like ummmm no! hes like its me, remember we went on that date n i bought ur brother a cake. at that point i remembered who he was and i was surprised how bad he looked. my cousin looked up at me and said, jess u dated HIM! in my head im like what kind of influence would that be to my little cousin if she knew i dated this bumb. so i said, hell no i dont even know who you are get away from me or im going to tell those mall cops over there and then i smiled at him because i remembered when we dated for those 2 days and he grabbed that pregnant ladies ass. first of all why would u grab any ones ass if ur on a date and 2 why a pregnant woman. he was a scum bag and me and my cousin walked off and i never seen or heard of him again.

birthday parties to make up for

so like i have never had a birthday party after the age of 14. i had only one after the age of 14 when i was 19. it bothers me a lot because i feel like i should make up for all those parties i should have had. well, i turned 21 last year and my mom said she was ganna throw me a huge 21st bday part but instead through my brother a graduation party and just took me out for dinner instead. in 2 months im ganna be 22. so i figure im ganna throw myself a huge birthday party.....but my brother says why throw a huge party for urself if ur only turning 22. who has a huge party at 22? so im in a bit confused. but u know what i think im ganna do it because i deserve a good party to celebrate my 22nd birthday! im ganna invite all my friends n family over and make a big dinner and make myself a cake and make myself feel special for the birthdays i was depressed about. i mean its painful watching all ur family having sweet 16 birthday parties and 21st birthday parties and on ur birthday u spend it alone. why am i not worth it? well im done letting my mother disappoint me. im ganna be 22 and im celebrating for all the partied i must make up for!

im ganna have a bottle of alcohol to symbolize my 21st and a tiara to symbolize my 16th. and the cake will have a regular 22 cuz it is my 22nd.

my life :o)

well i would first like to say im excited to have found out there is a blogging site lol i have so many things id like to put out there about myself and my life given the fact that every persons life is a story that i feel is worth being heard.

to start off i am obviously french-canadian and sicilian. my mom was raised my sicilian immigrants in america and they were very strict. in order for her to move out of there home she had to be married so after meeting my father 4 months prior they got married and funny to say moved upstairs from my grandparents (which is a 3 family apartment my grandparents owned...and my mom owns to this day) and after 5 years of marriage after being told that my mom wasnt able to have kids i was born on march 8 1989. 3 years later my brother joseph was born jan. 25 1992. my life started out rocky. my dad was a druggy and alcoholic. so when i was 3 my mom had enough and they were divorced. i grew up on food stamps and no cable. i lived in a predominately Hispanic and black city being literally the only Caucasian girl in school.  my friends would call me puerto-rican because they didnt want to except the fact that i was white. some even called me white chocolate lmao.

 i remember when i was 14 my mom would work 3rd shift for more money and i would leave the house at midnight and walk the streets with my friends. i started smoking weed and drinking and dropped out of school and dated older guys. i was arrested twice that year for criminal mischief and assault of the 1st degree, and sent to live with my aunt in the subberbs. it was a complete change. no corner stores at each corner, streets were empty at night, no phone, no friends no nothing, just family......it sucked for me, but i went back to school and earned my high school deploma from a magnet school after my aunt felt i was straightened out and let me move back in with my mom in hartford.
i remember dating this guy who was a friend of my moms. i was 14 and he was 25 and he would take me mid-night bowling and buy me chinese food and pizza and let me drive his car and we would talk for hours and hours about life and he was my best friend. we started having sex and i didnt realize it was wrong for a 25 y.o. to be dating a 14 y.o. cuz he said age was just a number. well we ended up braking up, i dont remember exactly why but i remember he called me a whore which was b.s. cuz i lost my virginity to him and i never cheated on him so that made no sense. he ended up contacting me again when i was 19 on myspace but i ignored him cuz now that im an adult i realize how he used me and it was a shame i didnt get him arrested.

i also think its so wierd how ppl you grew up with turn out to be in the future. the kids with the nicest clothes are now bummy and pot heads living with there parents with no job and no education, every girl i knew got pregnant between 16-20. my best friend growing up is 22 with 3 kids. im 22 with 0 kids and they think im wierd. but im not ganna say im perfect, im unemployed living at my friends house and im in a community college so who am i to say anything about anyone, but i can say at least i didnt bring a child into the world while im in this rut. i have absolutely no contact with my father. last conversation we had was on my 18 bday cuz he wanted to stop child support payments and he told me he doesnt owe me nothing anymore because he paid for his mistake. well i never asked to b born but he doesnt understand that cuz he's narcissistic. 

but i have to say im proud of myself over the years. some of my family members call me ghetto and wont talk to me because of my actions when i was 14 but i feel that i have changed and why hold a grudge on someone for something they did as a child? i have my high school deploma from a magnet school, im in college and im trying hard to do the right thing with my life so i put it like this, u cant beat me down any more than ive been beaten and theres only going up from where im at now....well i guess things could be worse....at least im not a crack head but i feel like if im not given credit for what i have accomplished or should i say if i havent accomplished enough for you to except me as the person i am today than im better off with out you.